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Schrodinger's Lottery Ticket. [Jul. 17th, 2012|05:31 pm]
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I rarely ever buy lottery tickets. When I do it's usually because I'm very depressed and need an "imagination aid" to help me fantasize about what it would be like to be rich enough to just spend my problems away. It's easier to imagine a life of wealth and leisure with a lottery ticket in your wallet than it is without.

The fact that I rarely buy a lottery ticket has nothing to do with the fact that I am rarely depressed. Of any given day about 75% of my waking time is consumed with feelings of overwhelming anxiety and when the adrenaline of my anxiety wanes then I feel a deep crushing depression until my mood swings back into anxiety again. The fact that I rarely buy a lottery ticket is because I've discovered a lottery ticket is only effective until you collapse it's quantum state.

Until I check my lottery ticket then it exists relative to my perspective as both a winning and a losing ticket at the same time. I am both a multi millionaire and a pauper. Once I check that ticket it's quantum state collapses and I am either/or with the odds being overwhelmingly stacked in favour of the pauper at which point the ticket merely becomes a useless slip of paper.

Because of my OCD I suffer from a slew of bizarre and puzzling phobias, many of them don't even make sense to me much less to others. Of these phobias one of the most strange and crippling is my chrometophobia, the fear of money. It is a very humiliating phobia because unless you suffer from it, it can't possibly seem like it is real. Of all my phobias it is the one that is the biggest obstacle in my path to happiness, success, and recovery. It is frustrating and frightening. I live in a world where I am afraid of one of the most important necessities of life in our modern society. My phobia embarrasses me in so many ways that I wasn't even able to admit to this phobia to the people around me until just a few years ago. Even in my own ears it sounds incredibly stupid to say "I have a morbid and paralysing fear of money".

This is another reason why I don't like to collapse the quantum state of a lottery ticket. While it is a bit of a bummer to discover your lottery ticket wasn't a winning ticket to me it would be a terrifying ordeal to suddenly discover I'm a multi-millionaire. My chrometophobia is a suffocating, dizzying, out of control fear like being dropped into a tank of sharks with bears riding on their backs. It's a fear that's hard to put into words. If pressed I could create a list of thousands of "reasons" why I am afraid of money, but the truth of chrometophobia is it is a fear completely beyond reason.

This is why fantasy money is so appealing. Without the cold hard realities of wealth I'm able to indulge in all the good stuff one imagines would come from it without being crushed under the negativities money brings. This is why I like to maintain the quantum state of a lottery ticket until some sort of deep personal emergency comes up where it seems money would be the only thing capable of getting me out of it.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: pyat
2012-07-17 09:36 pm (UTC)

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Well, one could argue that the ticket is either 100 per cent sure of winning or 100 per cent sure of losing. Therefore, you have a 50/50 chance.

This is, of course, why I am in journalism.
[User Picture]From: resonant
2012-07-17 10:49 pm (UTC)

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"a lottery ticket is only effective until you collapse it's quantum state."

I must quote this sometime.
[User Picture]From: squidflakes
2012-07-18 01:27 am (UTC)

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I wonder if you have a deeper fear of power.
[User Picture]From: whomajigi
2012-07-18 02:32 am (UTC)

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Whoa. Chrometophobia. I never knew there was a term for this, but I absolutely have this. Dealing with bills, unexpected issues and anything money related turns me into a sobbing ball of anxiety and depression.

This post blew my mind. I seriously thought I was alone. I should know better.
[User Picture]From: amuletts
2012-07-18 03:00 am (UTC)

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If you like you can send me the lottery ticket and I'll deal with it for you.
I can relate to you somewhat because I hate money; I wouldn't call it a phobia exactly, but yeah, it worries me. This becomes a real problem when I have to invoice people!
[User Picture]From: acelightning
2012-07-18 05:04 am (UTC)

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Do things like credit or debit cards, or checks, or other indirect forms of financial exchange also trigger your phobia, or is it specifically cash? What about foreign currency - a lot of Americans look at even Canadian money, never mind stuff from Europe or Asia, as being "funny money", and not quite "real".
[User Picture]From: ghastlycomic
2012-07-18 05:30 am (UTC)

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Pretty much anything financial scares the fuck out of me. My chrometophobia is so severe that there have been times I've left gigs without being paid simply because I can't deal with the stress of the money end of performing.
[User Picture]From: acelightning
2012-07-19 03:38 am (UTC)

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So basically you need a manager, whose job will include handling your finances. Lots of performers have managers :-)
[User Picture]From: ghastlycomic
2012-07-19 07:36 am (UTC)

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Pretty much. John steps in and does this for me a lot of the time. Most people I work with regularly are aware of my chrometophobia and work around it.
[User Picture]From: acelightning
2012-07-20 10:50 am (UTC)

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You could also see what you might be able to accompish via barter - I understand that there are thriving barter organizations all over the place now. I don't participate in them (yet), but, for example, if I lived in Hamilton you could draw a picture for me in exchange for my supplying you with delicious baked goods for a year. I've also heard of things being done indirectly - as a theoretical example, I help somebody fix their car, they give you a vintage keyboard, for which you comp me a ticket to one of your gigs. And never a scrap of currency nor a ledger entry in sight! (And nobody pays any taxes on these transactions, either.)
[User Picture]From: sweetladyjane
2012-07-18 06:27 am (UTC)

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wow. I've never heard of it but I don't see anything weird or wrong about a money-phobia. I do however see weirdness and wrongness (read - unnatural) in our use of money and economy as a species. This awesome deadhead kid I met at a festival told our camp about how he can't wait until all the money in the world is valueless accept for its physical use as a building material or burning for fuel, but that it is so dirty it would be extremely low-end and undesirable. Many people believe this dissolve is necessary for our species healthy evolution into the future.

Stay strong and remember you're amazing :)
[User Picture]From: hotclaws
2012-07-18 01:17 pm (UTC)

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Money is a stumbling block and a snare,major religions agree on this.I deal with bills by throwing them away.It works because the red one at least gives me a sensation of urgency which gives me the energy to deal with it.
I have no credit cards,nothing on hire purchase,no mortgage because I hate dealing with them.It turns out in this financial climate it was a good idea all along.
People when they play what would you do with a million pounds find me boring because after I've said I want a full time cleaner and a new leather jacket,I can't think of anything.
[User Picture]From: gothikbutterfly
2012-07-18 01:50 pm (UTC)

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Your fear is rational compared to my biggest fear which is latex balloons. I fear they will pop. I work in a place where if it's someone's birthday, I have to blow up at least two. Drives me insane when I have to do it.
Just try to slowly work on your fear if you can. Be adventurous, and keep buying those tickets! ha ha.
[User Picture]From: xenosphobatic
2012-07-18 02:53 pm (UTC)

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Well put with the quantum state of lottery tickets. I also find myself enamored with the idea of winning the lottery and having enough money to wipe out all my day to day problems. I've actually gone weeks without checking my tickets just because I want to continue the illusion.
[User Picture]From: jimmy_hollaman
2012-07-19 02:27 pm (UTC)

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Mild form of the money thing. If i do some thing for some one, i do not take money. I hate it, will take and rip the money up if they give it to me, or just let it float away from me by dropping it. I will take the money i earn from work, but i usually end up using it for others. Not in the same boat as you, but do know where you are coming from....
From: (Anonymous)
2012-07-20 12:33 am (UTC)

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I think I have a similar system in place in my own life. I'm an aspiring author, and I've been working on several pieces of fiction in my spare time. I also get depressed on a regular basis, and I think about killing myself, but I think "I should finish what I'm writing first," and so I don't. That being said, I don't know if it's any good, and I don't want to. It's the same quantum state idea. As long as I don't know whether what I'm writing is shit or not, I can go on thinking that it might be good, and that I might contribute meaningfully to society one day.
From: (Anonymous)
2012-07-20 09:36 pm (UTC)

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I also buy tickets with that same state of mind and I avoid checking them for months. I have had dozens of tickets expire it freaks me out when I hear that a big jackpot has gone unclaimed
[User Picture]From: weofodthignen
2012-07-31 07:29 pm (UTC)

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That must be awful. But I can imagine that ... if say John won the lottery ... you would come up with better things to do with vast resources than would most people.

M