Ghastly (ghastlycomic) wrote,

Schrodinger's Lottery Ticket.

I rarely ever buy lottery tickets. When I do it's usually because I'm very depressed and need an "imagination aid" to help me fantasize about what it would be like to be rich enough to just spend my problems away. It's easier to imagine a life of wealth and leisure with a lottery ticket in your wallet than it is without.

The fact that I rarely buy a lottery ticket has nothing to do with the fact that I am rarely depressed. Of any given day about 75% of my waking time is consumed with feelings of overwhelming anxiety and when the adrenaline of my anxiety wanes then I feel a deep crushing depression until my mood swings back into anxiety again. The fact that I rarely buy a lottery ticket is because I've discovered a lottery ticket is only effective until you collapse it's quantum state.

Until I check my lottery ticket then it exists relative to my perspective as both a winning and a losing ticket at the same time. I am both a multi millionaire and a pauper. Once I check that ticket it's quantum state collapses and I am either/or with the odds being overwhelmingly stacked in favour of the pauper at which point the ticket merely becomes a useless slip of paper.

Because of my OCD I suffer from a slew of bizarre and puzzling phobias, many of them don't even make sense to me much less to others. Of these phobias one of the most strange and crippling is my chrometophobia, the fear of money. It is a very humiliating phobia because unless you suffer from it, it can't possibly seem like it is real. Of all my phobias it is the one that is the biggest obstacle in my path to happiness, success, and recovery. It is frustrating and frightening. I live in a world where I am afraid of one of the most important necessities of life in our modern society. My phobia embarrasses me in so many ways that I wasn't even able to admit to this phobia to the people around me until just a few years ago. Even in my own ears it sounds incredibly stupid to say "I have a morbid and paralysing fear of money".

This is another reason why I don't like to collapse the quantum state of a lottery ticket. While it is a bit of a bummer to discover your lottery ticket wasn't a winning ticket to me it would be a terrifying ordeal to suddenly discover I'm a multi-millionaire. My chrometophobia is a suffocating, dizzying, out of control fear like being dropped into a tank of sharks with bears riding on their backs. It's a fear that's hard to put into words. If pressed I could create a list of thousands of "reasons" why I am afraid of money, but the truth of chrometophobia is it is a fear completely beyond reason.

This is why fantasy money is so appealing. Without the cold hard realities of wealth I'm able to indulge in all the good stuff one imagines would come from it without being crushed under the negativities money brings. This is why I like to maintain the quantum state of a lottery ticket until some sort of deep personal emergency comes up where it seems money would be the only thing capable of getting me out of it.
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