|Once in a lifetime.
||[Jun. 11th, 2007|04:18 am]
So tonight I'm walking back from a Hamilton bar where I've been sketching patrons for fun. I'm walking down Wilson street, slightly staggering, in the wee hours of the morning. This guy comes up to me and blocks my path and says "gimmie $5."|
Well I'm no stranger to beggers but this seems like a rather rude way to ask for charity so in shocked amazement I ask "Wait... what?"
Then I see the glint of a streetlight on a steel blade and he says "Your fuckin' wallet bitch! Give it to me." that's when I realize I'm being mugged. What happens next totally catches me by surprise.
I drop to an impossibly low crouch, my left hand is infront of me in a chinese sword form and my right hand has my gimp stick lifted in a gracefull 45 degree stance above my crouched form. Without even realizing what I was doing I assumed a drunken monkey form my old sifu told me about one day after class. The form seemed wildly impractical at the time but suddenly, instinctively every bit of awesomeness about its simplicity became instinctually aware to me. Holy shit, how did I fall into such a stance so effortlessly (maybe because I was suitably drunken).
My would be mugger is looking at me rather perplexed and I stat laughing my ass off in a drunked cackle. "Holy shit, I suddenly get it. This is so fukken awesome!"
My mugger takes a step back and sticks his knife out infront of him defenceively. "Are you fucking crazy, bitch. Gimmie your fucking wallet." he demands in a voice that is shakey and nervous.
I'm almost losing my balance at this point because I'm laughing so hard. "Holy shit," I laugh, "you seriously have no idea how much sense this all makes to me right now." And seeing his hesitation I take my left hand and reach into my pocket and throw my wallet on the ground in front of me. "Here, there's my wallet. Trust me this won't work unless I'm on the defencive, so try to take my wallet okay."
Now the mugger is looking at me as if I've dropped down from the moon, and I can tell he's unsure of what he's supposed to do now. "C'mon!" I cheer him on, "this will be the most aweszome way you've ever had your ass kicked. It all makes perfect sense to me. Try to take the wallet, it will be awesome. You gotta do it. Most people will go through their lives never having someone attempt to mug them. You're the second person to ever attempt to mug me. The odds are I'll never get a chance to beat the shit out of someone mugging me in so awesome a fashion. You gotta do it. The mathematics compells you."
"You're fukken crazy, just gimmie your money." my would-be mugger says.
"Well, technically you've got me, because I am mentally ill, but that doesn't change the fact that what will happen if you try to grab that wallet will be made of awesome and win. C'mon man, you've gotta be curious about what will happen next." I'm laughing my ass off at this point.
"Fuck you! Just fuck you! You fukken retard!" my would be mugger says as he puts away his knife and backs away from me before running down a side street.
At this point I couldn't help it. I fell on my butt and started laughing my ass off. Then I walked a couple of blocks to an all night corner store and got a ham and cheese sub with extra hot peppers.
What a great end to an awesome night. I've never seen anyone display such a look of utter confusion and insecurity in my life. Saddly, like I said, the odds are stacked against me ever enjoying such an occassion again in my life.
Sir, you just broke his world.
Damn, I wish I could have been there to see that.
i've always tried to tell people, drunken style and animal styles are quite practical. you just need to be in the right situation.
wasn't aware you were a practitioner of the art. northern shaolin, hung gar, wingchun or other?
I really need to use the phrase "this will be the most awesome way you've ever had your ass kicked" in a conversation some time. Thanks for that, Uncle G, you've just made an utterly shitty week slightly less shity, and for that, you have my gratitude.
Uncle Ghastly you are so fine.
LMFAO! That was a fantastic story, thanks so much for sharing it.
you are the Awesome!
i can only hope that were i ever mugged i could have just the same reaction and result.
i want my kids to grow up to be JUST like you (pipe, gimp stick and all)
laughing all the way to the dark alley to see if it works . . .
I deleted my last comment due to there not being a reason to possibly accidentally trumping your story.
But yeah, I think you've been channeling me.
Unka G, that truly made my month. You rock.
See? Drunks *are* dangerous!
Somewhere, in darkest Hamilton, sits the broken shell of a man. A former mugger. He just sits and rocks back and forth, bopping his scalp off the wall and muttering about a crazy stick fighting drunken sketch artist.
I hope you're proud of yourself Ghastly.
(Seriously proud, lol. That was the funniest scary mugging story I've heard today!)
That is the COOLEST story I've heard in dealing with a mugger... it made my morning!
Hahahaha, that story KICKED ass *thumbs up*
You gain 128 exp!
You found 0 GP!
You gain +2 awesome-story-to-tell-on-LJ
Ghastly, you are the only the second person I've known in 59 years who could manage to have fun while being mugged. And the other guy was an Israeli commando (in the NYC subway, in 1966). You give lunacy a good name.
Oh dear god. Some fool tried to mug a *commando*?
I love it when an unplanned plan comes together. :-)
More than anything, it's the being laughed at that does it. Trust me when I say I understand. :D
You should still report it to the police, of course... and I'm sure you can describe the guy perfectly, since you probably saw every possible emotion cross his face throughout your little chat...
Good ass-kicking, Mr. Ghastly..!!
I love the "go on, try to take my wallet..." and him just backing away... this is STREET THEATRE at its most alive and dangerous. You're my hero!
nice... very nice work...
Well played that man, I recommend giving your Sifu a call and having a good laugh over a whisky.
You lucky bastard, six years of Mi Zong Luo Han, and no muggings. *sigh*
Kickass. Absolutely kickass.
Best story ever. Next con, you need to have a panel on kicking ass.
I'M HERE TO LEARN HOW TO KICK ASS FROM UNCLE GHASTLY.
"I'M HERE TO LEARN HOW TO KICK ASS FROM UNCLE GHASTLY."
May I sigquote this, please?
That is perhaps the single coolest thing I've ever heard in my life.
i'd have made the scumbag break RULE #1
2007-06-11 05:52 pm (UTC)
You'd make him talk about 4chan?