So tonight I'm walking back from a Hamilton bar where I've been sketching patrons for fun. I'm walking down Wilson street, slightly staggering, in the wee hours of the morning. This guy comes up to me and blocks my path and says "gimmie $5."
Well I'm no stranger to beggers but this seems like a rather rude way to ask for charity so in shocked amazement I ask "Wait... what?"
Then I see the glint of a streetlight on a steel blade and he says "Your fuckin' wallet bitch! Give it to me." that's when I realize I'm being mugged. What happens next totally catches me by surprise.
I drop to an impossibly low crouch, my left hand is infront of me in a chinese sword form and my right hand has my gimp stick lifted in a gracefull 45 degree stance above my crouched form. Without even realizing what I was doing I assumed a drunken monkey form my old sifu told me about one day after class. The form seemed wildly impractical at the time but suddenly, instinctively every bit of awesomeness about its simplicity became instinctually aware to me. Holy shit, how did I fall into such a stance so effortlessly (maybe because I was suitably drunken).
My would be mugger is looking at me rather perplexed and I stat laughing my ass off in a drunked cackle. "Holy shit, I suddenly get it. This is so fukken awesome!"
My mugger takes a step back and sticks his knife out infront of him defenceively. "Are you fucking crazy, bitch. Gimmie your fucking wallet." he demands in a voice that is shakey and nervous.
I'm almost losing my balance at this point because I'm laughing so hard. "Holy shit," I laugh, "you seriously have no idea how much sense this all makes to me right now." And seeing his hesitation I take my left hand and reach into my pocket and throw my wallet on the ground in front of me. "Here, there's my wallet. Trust me this won't work unless I'm on the defencive, so try to take my wallet okay."
Now the mugger is looking at me as if I've dropped down from the moon, and I can tell he's unsure of what he's supposed to do now. "C'mon!" I cheer him on, "this will be the most aweszome way you've ever had your ass kicked. It all makes perfect sense to me. Try to take the wallet, it will be awesome. You gotta do it. Most people will go through their lives never having someone attempt to mug them. You're the second person to ever attempt to mug me. The odds are I'll never get a chance to beat the shit out of someone mugging me in so awesome a fashion. You gotta do it. The mathematics compells you."
"You're fukken crazy, just gimmie your money." my would-be mugger says.
"Well, technically you've got me, because I am mentally ill, but that doesn't change the fact that what will happen if you try to grab that wallet will be made of awesome and win. C'mon man, you've gotta be curious about what will happen next." I'm laughing my ass off at this point.
"Fuck you! Just fuck you! You fukken retard!" my would be mugger says as he puts away his knife and backs away from me before running down a side street.
At this point I couldn't help it. I fell on my butt and started laughing my ass off. Then I walked a couple of blocks to an all night corner store and got a ham and cheese sub with extra hot peppers.
What a great end to an awesome night. I've never seen anyone display such a look of utter confusion and insecurity in my life. Saddly, like I said, the odds are stacked against me ever enjoying such an occassion again in my life.